I would just like to say...

...that the DNC is batshit crazy. And I promise to start writing again after it's over.

For the time being, check out this video of Sean and Spencer Foreman rap-battling at Sunday's 3OH!3 show at the Fox in Boulder.

Cause = Time

Sometimes it's fun to go back and trace the steps it took me to get where I am now. Moreover, it's even funner to think about the missteps that kept me from where I should be. There are so many decisions I've passed on that I have to wonder if I could be doing something bigger with my time.

That isn't to say that I don't love where I'm at, because most of the time I do. But every so often I get the feeling that I should have moved to LA when I was 20. That I should have taken up that offer to write a screenplay. That I should have practiced my guitar more and made music my job. That I should have kept her around, or taken that job as a creative director.

But you know what? I suppose that if I'd done all those things I wouldn't have the same friends I cherish so much. That I wouldn't love LA as a place to visit but rather hate it as a place to live. That I might have discovered my knack for copywriting doesn't translate to creating characters. That I wouldn't be on the precipice of owning my first beautiful (soon) home. And that, well, what I worried could turn into a really degenerating relationship would have.

It's strange how I can justify all that with the fact that I'm almost completely content with where I've landed at 23; but without reaching the goals I have and setting the goals that lay in front of me, I guess I wouldn't be writing this right now.

If only I could get those stray issues back in line. Ah, sooner or later.

Ladder Theory Ethics

DISCLAIMER: I hope all of you have already read about the Ladder Theory. If you haven't, quit here and go read it. You won't understand what I'm talking about until you do.

I got sidetracked last night and started rereading about the Ladder Theory. It's like my go-to place for enlightening, hilarious neo-philosophy, not only because it's right but because it always makes me think about what the world would be like if everyone accepted the theory as they do gravity or infinity or algebra. Granted, before a lot of us can take the Ladder Theory seriously, it'd have to be written again, this time with less misogyny and obscenity and perhaps a slightly better set of visuals. But it's really hard to deny, honestly, that you fit into any of the outlined rungs on the ladder, or at least have at one or many times in your life. Besides, the idea breaks it down to some inalienable basics: men are primarily in pursuit of women, while women are primarily in pursuit of power and money. Neither of these is better or worse than the other; they're just instinctive truths that cannot be avoided.

I don't want to get off track here. I came to talk about what would happen if the Ladder Theory became a wholly accepted fact in modern society. Do you think, if every woman knew that every man who was interested in her could never be her friend, that she would attempt to confuse men with muddy signals? No. And do you think, if they knew that certain women were placing them on the friend ladder as opposed to the real ladder, that men would ever bother speaking to them again? No. It's antithetical to nature.

I guess what I'm getting at is, I'm glad the Ladder Theory isn't more widely recognized as legitimate humanity. If it were, some of us would never have another visceral interaction as long as we lived!

Women, I ask you: if you knew that every man who approached you, in every setting (aside from perhaps work because we are forced to interact under those circumstances), was indubitably approaching you for sex and nothing else, how would you feel about yourself?

And men: What do you think would happen to your 'game' if every woman knew your sole intention was having sex with her and the concept of friendship never entered your mind except as a means of obtaining sex?

That's a scary thought.

I'm not a talker.

Something I've noticed over the past few months is that my intellectual capacity as a conversationalist has really started to dwindle as I become more and more inclined to lend a broad vocabulary to my writing. It doesn't make any sense, I know, but it is overt and I think people have started to recognize it.

It's strange, really, because I can attest to my intelligence rising over the past half a year more than it ever has since I became an adult. And one would think that if my alcohol abuse was truly becoming a problem that it would affect my vocabulary both vocally and on paper. But it hasn't. In fact, I feel as though if I were truly inclined, I could spout some really long and obscure terms here that would probably confuse a lot of you. (I'm not that kind of writer.)

Take for example a conversation I had today at work. I was trying to explain to someone that really traditional and corny prank call about asking someone if their refrigerator works. You know: call someone up and say 'excuse me, is your refrigerator running?' And when they reply with, 'Why yes it is!' you say 'Well then you had better go catch it!' Bad joke. But anyway, it took me something like five minutes to sputter it out--I literally started over three times.

I didn't know it was possible to develop speech impediments, but I think I have. My mom is a certified speech pathologist, and if I weren't so nervous about the potential for hearing the word alcoholic in the explanation of how it is most certainly possible for alcoholics to develop speech impediments, I would probably ask her for help. But, again, I don't need to be reminded that I am often teetering on the edge of alcoholism so I digress.

Are there any beautiful, alcoholic, caring, young female speech pathologists out there who'd like to discuss this matter over a martini? Because my dear I will pay for two. That is, assuming you'll tack a discount to our first session's fees.

Fix It.

Where there's a will, there's a way.