An open letter to Mayor John Hickenlooper

This is a letter I sent to Denver's mayor, John Hickenlooper, earlier today.

To: MileHighMayor@ci.denver.co.us
From: Christopher.Reinhard@gmail.com
Subject: Defending Denver Against Guidoism

Dear Mayor Hickenlooper,

I recently was made aware of a disconcerting problem in the Denver Metro Area. Especially in and around nightclubs and bars, the subset of guidos is growing. You may not be familiar with guidos: these men and women wear exceptionally 'loud' clothing, misuse and abuse artificial tanning facilities throughout the city, and are usually associated with poor social behavior that is infringing upon the good nature of Denver's other, more responsible and fun-loving residents. I obviously needn't express further why this is such a dangerous issue, but I must stress that the longer it is neglected, the more problematic it is destined to become.

You may think this is a difficult situation to resolve; but as serendipity would have it, one mayor on the other end of the country is doing just what is needed. His name is Kenneth Pringle and he is truly the bar standard for elected officials everywhere. His plan for reducing what I like to call the 'hair gel impact' is simple: tell them they're not wanted, and they will stay away. Please refer to the following excerpt from Pringle's speech* to end guidoism in Belmar, New Jersey.

'The more time we spend on the NJGuido site, the more we think of Guidos as a kind of rare bird: they flock to our shore towns during the warm months, and are as welcome as, oh, Canada Geese. They're always tanned to the color of coconut shells, and easily identified by their plumage: satin shirts and short skirts on the females; Armani Exchange T-shirts and artfully distressed jeans on the males. The females favor bold hair styles and colorful makeup; the males tend to strut and flex their pumped up muscles. The call of the Guido is bellowing, and frequently slurred, invariably starting with the sound, "Yo," followed all too often by some creative variation on an expletive beginning with the letter, 'F.'"

As you can see, this problem is not exclusive to Denver but must be acted against wherever it arises. For the good people of Denver, I am imploring you, Mayor, please issue your own statement or push for a new ban on these people in the Metro Area. Your voters will thank you for it at the next election.

Sincerest regards,

Chris Reinhard



*via Newsday.